I was thinking about the hell with it and just biting the bullet (spiritually speaking).  The message I got was “don’t bite too hard, I bruise easily.”  I laughed; ok really I did not just get that.  Another funny message, the other day: “I’m no fluffy bunny.” LOL that’s a classic.  Try to picture this: a strong god pouting and then that…LOL.  Ok so now I’m thinking what bullet are we talking about, yes I’m awful. Giving him accolades usually results in “go on.”  He can’t get enough of them. 

So much for letting go and burying it.  I can’t do it.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  And my heart only wants him.  Yea, an iron bat works well.  It’s good he has a sense of humor…the fluffy pink bunny he is LOL.  I couldn’t resist, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.  On a serious note however imo every deity has a soft side, even the deities that delight in blood, well maybe not all of them.

I’m going to meditate soon, so we’ll see how this goes.  I’m probably not going to use a crystal.

It was raining, thunder and rumbling.  I found a tree, a big gleaming tree, it was an oak and a weeping willow combined into one tree, and it had autumn colored leaves.  It was the only lit up thing, like a spotlight was on it, and it was the only place that was dry.  I fell under its branches, crying on the ground, I felt a branches leaves against my back.  I get up.  I turn around and there’s an apple suspended in the air, I reached out to touch it and then pulled back.  Turned back around only to fall into someone’s arms, I was against a god’s bare chest, and I started crying again.  He had his arms wrapped around me, stroking my back; he was trying to comfort me.  I felt something rise in his chest like anger or something but it wasn’t directed at me.  The god was young, I thought Eros or Apollo, why those two no idea.  A moment passes and he lets go, wiped my tears off the side of my face with his hand and put his hand under my chin for a moment, and then handed me off to a goddess.  The goddess was a crone, very gentle, like a grandmother.  She led me to the side of the tree by its roots, sat down and had me sit down with her.  She had a scarf wrapped around her hair.  She gently brushed my right cheek of tears, while she was doing that all I could do was look at her, her eyes were so gentle.    I couldn’t help it I started crying again, she opened up her arms, and I went into them.  Her embrace was so warm and soothing.

I opened my eyes.

I really am too sensitive for my own good.

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I meditated this evening with my celestite, it was calming and relaxing but afterwards I had to ask did that just happen or am I imagining things, one of the things was I stood up for myself to two gods. I realized tonight I don't feel empty anymore. Then I read something that made me think maybe I should let go, move on. I don't want to, but what's the worst that could happen, if I really think about it I have a good idea. I know I've changed; there are a lot of things I have to work on still. I just don't know. Maybe if I quit reading I wouldn't feel this loneliness in the pit of my stomach, don't ask. For a lot of reasons I wish I knew what I was in another life, I would love to know.

I still have to work on me; I'm not doing a good job at it. I'm reading everything else but the body sacred, tonight was the first time I've picked it up in a while and that was only because I wasn't sure if I had the title right. Yes, I fell off the wagon.

As I'm writing this songs are going through. For posterity, it's Celine night:

And with the last one I'm thinking of sweeping it under the rug, burying it again.

I woke up at 5 AM, no reason, I went back to sleep. I woke up at 7 AM, I didn't want to get up, I did momentarily then got back into bed. The phone rang at 7:28, it never rings that early, ok ok I'm getting up. This morning I'm not in a bad mood and I'm not a morning person, yesterday I wasn't either, felt free. Maybe it's my reading or my crystals have enhanced my environment (which I have to clean) or perhaps both.

Last night I made 3 goddess's angry, I believe I did. I read about Eris before I went to bed, it was time I did. When I got to the story about the golden apple all I could picture were Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite all diving for the apple and fighting over it, wrestling on the ground...all I could compare it to is from what I've seen bridesmaids do when the wedding bouquet is thrown. Fighting over it like a bunch of children. I tried not to show my laughing on the outside but on the inside I was laughing like hell, I couldn't help it. I mean really, it's an apple, ok so it was “to the fairest” but come on srsly it's an apple, a beautiful one I'm sure, but was it worth it. The sad part is it started the Trojan War, I didn't read everything about it, I've read bits and pieces through reading other myths.

I thought of something this morning: Everything she stands for I've been all that hate and resentment, I've carried it around with me for years. She's always been there. I saw myself in a lot of what I read, how I've felt about others and myself. Another thought I just had: I haven't felt close to the goddess, but my image of her wasn't this, and this I've been close to without ever knowing it. My image of the goddess was something I couldn't reach, she was perfection to me. Eris is different in a way, my image is one with long black hair, beautiful, strong, determined, sword at her side, ready for anything that's thrown at her. My life has been chaos, practically since I was born, I started out life as a preemie in ICU (my mom did everything right). It's been one thing after another with my health. Through it all I kept going, everyone said that I was strong and had a lot of courage, the doctors said if it wasn't for my mother all these years I wouldn't be alive today. Now I'm wondering (and feeling maybe this is it) were Eris and Ares always with me, all that perseverance to keep going makes me think of them, I haven't seen them willingly turn away from a battle. I've always been drawn (ok attracted *blushes*) to Ares, from what I've read Eris is generally with him.

I feel like my eyes have been opened to something big. Now that I've acknowledged this now what, where do I go from here. Maybe I'm beginning to embrace my inner Eris.

Every single time I go back to this path I always go back to him, always, it's where I go, it's where I'm comfortable and safe...my soft place to fall. For a god so hated he certainly has a lot named after him, I did an internet search last night, I had to laugh even used for a comic book. This mortal could never hate him, and that I'm sure of.

This song is in my head right now, (I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight (it started while I was writing):

Some clouds today were wispy. Others were shaped exactly like mermaid fins. There was a medium to large cloud shaped like a swimming mermaid. They followed us home. I think someone is trying to tell me something.

I've had a little whisper in my ear to read about Chiron. I haven't yet. I've made a mental reading list of things, goodness me it's going to take me a while to read everything. I still have a jaguar, for some reason I always want to write/say cougar. I still hear a wolf's howl too. Growling in my left ear and howling in my right. I haven't done anything about that. And at night I get snuggled, by whom don't know (trust me it's a who not a what), the back of my legs get all prickly, feels like my left gets a shower (yea I know tmi). It's not that bad, I find it very interesting, although I'm not sure yet if I should feel lucky...not complaining though, odd yes.

I read about Persephone, I apologized to her and to Hades. I never thought it was possible for me to do that, to him. This is a website I've had saved for at least a year if not two: http://www.goddessgift.com. I felt like going to it yesterday and that's where I read.

My mom bought me the best thing for my back today. A chair massager, a massaging cushion you can put on any chair. We tried it at Sam's, its pure heaven. I have to set it up; I'm putting it on my computer chair. I don't know how I did it or how I slept but my neck hurts like the dickens, it did help temporarily sitting on the cushion.

I wore my amber out today, my ring and pendant. I felt different wearing it than I do my other jewelry. I was so calm and relaxed, felt taken care of. No worries at all.